I don’t want to sit in an office. I don’t want to do
research. I don’t want another job just because I have to have one.
I am going to graduate in two years, with nearly 20,000
dollars of debt. Some people have it a lot worse, and I am beyond thankful for
the financial help I have received. But let’s face the truth: a degree in
psychology and a degree in religion is not going to get me very far without
going back to school for an eternity and gaining another 150,000+ dollars of
debt.
I don’t want that. I thought about law school for quite a
while. I’m good at research, I’m good at persuading people and in mock trials I’ve
always come out with a win. In fact, all the mock-trials I’ve done have given
me an adrenaline rush. Nerves build before going in, constantly reviewing
flashcards to make sure I have my facts straight, and the heat rises to my
cheeks when I get excited because I know I’m winning. But that was high school,
that wasn’t real. The fact that I’ve only been in a public university for two
years and I feel like my soul has been eaten, sucked away like a Dementor*
makes me shudder at the thought of continuing.
For law school, another three years in a stuffy law program.
For a clinical psychologist, it’s another four years for a PhD.
For whatever-the-fuck I can do with a master’s in religion, it’s
another two to three years.
All so I can build up debt, to get a job I hate, to pay off
the debt, to maybe get a job I can
put up with until death comes knocking.
No thanks.
So, I’ve decided I won’t plan on what I want to do. At the
end of my four years here, I will take the GRE just in case I change my mind.
Then I have about five years before the scores go bad. If by then I’m not doing
something I love, I might go back to school.
I’m tired. I’m tired of paying people to force me into
writing long, laborious papers that teach me nothing because if I don’t agree
with this stranger’s opinion, I fail the class and have wasted my time for nothing.
I will not fall into that trap. I will not reduce myself to sitting
at a desk because society told me that I have to.
If the white picket fence, Craftsman-style house, and
adorable little family is what you want, then absolutely go after it. If that’s
your dream, do whatever it takes to make that happen.
It’s not what I want and I’m not going to let society tell
me that I have to. If that’s the path I follow, it will be of my own accord and
no one else’s. I don’t want the mundane job, the 9-5. If I work twelve hours a
day, it will be because I’m working at something I love, something that matters
to me.
*Dementor- a creature from the Harry Potter series that survives by sucking all of your happiness away until it finally has reached your soul. Then, it sucks your soul out too.
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A solemn note:
My heart is extremely heavy for those injured, killed, and affected by the bombs at the Boston Marathon today. I cannot begin to comprehend why or how such things continue to be a part of a world that was meant to be so glorious. A post honoring all those affected will be posted later this week, after I am able to process everything and am able to properly honor everyone. Continue to pray for Boston.
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