Deepest Apologies,

My dears, I extend to you my deepest apologies. 
Twas never my intent to be away for so very long. 
My soul has been bought by a higher power who has done nothing by eat away at my hope and sense of wonder. 
I embarked on a journey with a friend who has since left me alone on a quest for satire and judgement. 
I have explored the readings of Dostoevsky far more than I ever believed possible, all the while my stock of pizza rolls has slowly withered away. 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and with it comes a time no college student accepts with dignity. 
Tis hell week. 
The week that we sleep in library cubicles, cry in dormitory showers, and waste away in the psycholoigcal services center. 
In the coming days I shall write over 20 pages about subjects I once cared about, things I once believed in. 
I shall take exams that do not, in fact, measure my intelligence but my ability to memorize. 
And I shall just hope that it is enough to receive a mark worthy of the higher power's approval. 
Then, and only then, my dearest shall I be able to sleep peacefully and full embrace the season that is upon us. 

If I do not survive, I leave to you everything I have held dear in the hopes that you do not fall victim to the Man.
Except for my Fall Out Boy albums. Those bitches are going in the ground with me. 

***

School and Society

I don’t want to sit in an office. I don’t want to do research. I don’t want another job just because I have to have one.

I am going to graduate in two years, with nearly 20,000 dollars of debt. Some people have it a lot worse, and I am beyond thankful for the financial help I have received. But let’s face the truth: a degree in psychology and a degree in religion is not going to get me very far without going back to school for an eternity and gaining another 150,000+ dollars of debt.

I don’t want that. I thought about law school for quite a while. I’m good at research, I’m good at persuading people and in mock trials I’ve always come out with a win. In fact, all the mock-trials I’ve done have given me an adrenaline rush. Nerves build before going in, constantly reviewing flashcards to make sure I have my facts straight, and the heat rises to my cheeks when I get excited because I know I’m winning. But that was high school, that wasn’t real. The fact that I’ve only been in a public university for two years and I feel like my soul has been eaten, sucked away like a Dementor* makes me shudder at the thought of continuing.

For law school, another three years in a stuffy law program.

For a clinical psychologist, it’s another four years for a PhD.

For whatever-the-fuck I can do with a master’s in religion, it’s another two to three years.

All so I can build up debt, to get a job I hate, to pay off the debt, to maybe get a job I can put up with until death comes knocking.

No thanks.

So, I’ve decided I won’t plan on what I want to do. At the end of my four years here, I will take the GRE just in case I change my mind. Then I have about five years before the scores go bad. If by then I’m not doing something I love, I might go back to school.

I’m tired. I’m tired of paying people to force me into writing long, laborious papers that teach me nothing because if I don’t agree with this stranger’s opinion, I fail the class and have wasted my time for nothing.

 I will not fall into that trap. I will not reduce myself to sitting at a desk because society told me that I have to.

If the white picket fence, Craftsman-style house, and adorable little family is what you want, then absolutely go after it. If that’s your dream, do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s not what I want and I’m not going to let society tell me that I have to. If that’s the path I follow, it will be of my own accord and no one else’s. I don’t want the mundane job, the 9-5. If I work twelve hours a day, it will be because I’m working at something I love, something that matters to me. 

*Dementor- a creature from the Harry Potter series that survives by sucking all of your happiness away until it finally has reached your soul. Then, it sucks your soul out too. 

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A solemn note:

     My heart is extremely heavy for those injured, killed, and affected by the bombs at the Boston Marathon today. I cannot begin to comprehend why or how such things continue to be a part of a world that was meant to be so glorious. A post honoring all those affected will be posted later this week, after I am able to process everything and am able to properly honor everyone. Continue to pray for Boston.