School and Society

I don’t want to sit in an office. I don’t want to do research. I don’t want another job just because I have to have one.

I am going to graduate in two years, with nearly 20,000 dollars of debt. Some people have it a lot worse, and I am beyond thankful for the financial help I have received. But let’s face the truth: a degree in psychology and a degree in religion is not going to get me very far without going back to school for an eternity and gaining another 150,000+ dollars of debt.

I don’t want that. I thought about law school for quite a while. I’m good at research, I’m good at persuading people and in mock trials I’ve always come out with a win. In fact, all the mock-trials I’ve done have given me an adrenaline rush. Nerves build before going in, constantly reviewing flashcards to make sure I have my facts straight, and the heat rises to my cheeks when I get excited because I know I’m winning. But that was high school, that wasn’t real. The fact that I’ve only been in a public university for two years and I feel like my soul has been eaten, sucked away like a Dementor* makes me shudder at the thought of continuing.

For law school, another three years in a stuffy law program.

For a clinical psychologist, it’s another four years for a PhD.

For whatever-the-fuck I can do with a master’s in religion, it’s another two to three years.

All so I can build up debt, to get a job I hate, to pay off the debt, to maybe get a job I can put up with until death comes knocking.

No thanks.

So, I’ve decided I won’t plan on what I want to do. At the end of my four years here, I will take the GRE just in case I change my mind. Then I have about five years before the scores go bad. If by then I’m not doing something I love, I might go back to school.

I’m tired. I’m tired of paying people to force me into writing long, laborious papers that teach me nothing because if I don’t agree with this stranger’s opinion, I fail the class and have wasted my time for nothing.

 I will not fall into that trap. I will not reduce myself to sitting at a desk because society told me that I have to.

If the white picket fence, Craftsman-style house, and adorable little family is what you want, then absolutely go after it. If that’s your dream, do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s not what I want and I’m not going to let society tell me that I have to. If that’s the path I follow, it will be of my own accord and no one else’s. I don’t want the mundane job, the 9-5. If I work twelve hours a day, it will be because I’m working at something I love, something that matters to me. 

*Dementor- a creature from the Harry Potter series that survives by sucking all of your happiness away until it finally has reached your soul. Then, it sucks your soul out too. 

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A solemn note:

     My heart is extremely heavy for those injured, killed, and affected by the bombs at the Boston Marathon today. I cannot begin to comprehend why or how such things continue to be a part of a world that was meant to be so glorious. A post honoring all those affected will be posted later this week, after I am able to process everything and am able to properly honor everyone. Continue to pray for Boston. 

Introverted.

Being an introvert is tough.

 It’s not the same as being antisocial, having social anxiety, or being awkward. All of those do, however, play some part.

Being an introvert is not being shy, either. Too often, I see people who are shy or quieter saying “I’m an introvert”, and the internet is full of the “OMG, I’m just awkward *giggle*”. It paints quiet a bad image for people who are true introverts.

You’re welcome to Google what exactly an introvert is, however I will warn you that it’s not all true (this is the internet, after all).

It was only until recently that I realized I was an introvert.

I hang out with my friends and family. I have long conversations with good people. I love to laugh and have fun and go enjoy this glorious world we’ve been blessed with.

                I don’t speak unless I have had a chance to really think about what it is I’m saying.

                I don’t meet the eyes of whoever I’m talking to if we have never met before.

                It takes a lot of self-talk for me to actually go into a social situation.

                It took me years to build the group of friends I have.

                After a few hours, I feel the need to be alone or at home with people I know.

                I try to avoid groups of 5 or more.

                I occasionally feel both physically and mentally exhausted after social situations.

As you can tell, being an introvert can create quite the laundry list of problems. I’m in my second year of college and have made few new friends (although the ones I have made are the best!) because of the way we change schedules every semester. I’m occasionally deemed a snob/jerk/bitch because I am perceived to be stuck up because I don’t talk. In middle school, I was so worried about making friends that I had an anxiety attack nearly every Sunday and Monday night. 

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So I took a class to change. It’s a “reticent” communications class (instead of the regular, mandatory communications class) and is geared towards people like me. I have learned a lot, but I realized I don’t want to change. I'll finish the class because my university forces me to, but I think I'll disregard what I'm taught. 

My friends and family are perfectly okay with me being an introvert. They all know how I am and if I need time alone, they let me have it. They all understand.

It’s the rest of the world that’s a problem.

In a society of extroverts, us introverts are run over. There are some great, powerful minds out there filled with wonderful new ideas and solutions but we might not ever know because an extrovert is being loud and their personality landed them the job instead. If you remember my project, you might have noticed that it hasn’t started yet. That’s because I’m an introvert. I’m too nervous and scared to just start talking to someone. I have part two planned out and ready to launch, but I feel like I can’t start until part one is on its way.

Part of my reasoning for starting this blog was to give me a voice.

Of course, I have a voice. I can speak and I do enjoy speaking. Ask anyone in my circle: I’m obnoxious as hell. But because it takes me so long to actually warm up enough to speak, I’ve become a great listener. People latch onto that. They bring me their stories and their problems and I listen. I give advice if they want it. I become a (short-term) therapist. But when I need someone to tell my stories to, I don’t know where to turn.

Every time I attempt to be heard, someone listens… and then they turn it around and begin to talk about themselves. (There are exceptions, like my best friend Amanda. She is without a doubt my best friend and probably understands me more than anyone. We can go weeks without talking, and pick up where we left off like it was just yesterday.)

So this blog is my voice.

I have changed the tagline of my blog and have listed below a few things I think everyone should give a good look at. 

Maybe we'll be an internet support group. Maybe we'll be so loud, the world will hear us. 

Or maybe we'll just be friends. 

10 Myths About Introverts - I identify with and agree with everything presented here. I can't explain how I felt when I read this. 

The Power of Introverts-Susan Cain- Susan Cain gave a TED Talk on this very subject and, I don't know if TED Talks are still a thing but this is worth the time to watch. She hits on a lot of points that we all, introverts and extroverts alike, should keep in mind.