Anxiety

Do you ever feel weak? Do you ever feel like one side of your body just isn’t responding the way it should, although it does everything you need to? Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, floating in the wind?

But, seriously. I’ve noticed over the past few years that every once in a while, I’ll get this feeling. I’ll feel like my left arm and left leg are week and can’t do things, although, physically they perform just fine. I have that feeling right now and my typing is relatively unhindered. Sometimes I would wear a jacket and it would go away. Sometimes only a nap helped. It’s been a long time since that feeling had invaded, but today it came back, and it scared me.

There’s a history of heart disease in my family. My father has suffered two heart attacks and so many bypasses, that I don’t remember the exact number. My mother has high blood pressure (as does my father), and both of my uncles have pacemakers. So, me being the paranoid ginger I am, hit up Google. Did you know that one of the symptoms is weakness/tingling in the left arm and leg? Yep, you can fact check me. So whenever this feeling hits, my first thought is “oh-god-it’s-a-heart-attack-call-the-doctor”. Obviously, it’s never been a heart attack. I thought maybe I was having several mini-strokes that go unnoticed, however to have this many and still be kicking without any side-effects is impossible.

So, I Googled my symptoms, not the diseases. It turns out that there’s a whole group of people who have the same problem!  All of the threads I read had been from people with the exact same symptoms I had, to varying degrees, and they had been to see various doctors. What did they find? It was anxiety.

Anxiety. FUCKING ANXIETY. It had crept up on me once again. I thought I was past it. I knew I suffered from social anxiety. Have you ever seen me in a social situation? Yeah, neither have I. I avoid them at all costs, especially if I have to go it alone. I physically cannot go to a party with more than five people. And it’s not a party with five people. Hanging out casually with more than four of five people causes me distress. But I had been dealing with this. I got over it and have been doing remarkably well (I chalk up a lot of my success with coping to living in a dorm. It’s a nonstop social interaction and there’s really no way around it). But general anxiety? I had never thought about it. Do I really suffer from full on anxiety?

As an introvert, it shouldn’t surprise me. Before I sat down to write this out, I thought that there was nothing for me to be anxious/stressed over…until I wrote a list.

In the past week, my mother has been diagnosed with celiac disease, my dog had to go to the vet for a yearly check-up (this may seem trivial, but he had to have a vaccination, which caused him to have a severe allergic reaction last time, he gets stressed because…dude, it’s the vet, and he may have diabetes), my pup’s test results won’t be in for 24 hours, I’ve been attempting to lose weight but have yet to see progress (even though I know it’s only been a week) and just today, a man I look up to, Charles Trippy, had another seizure after having a brain tumor removed over a year ago. That was more than I realized. I have plenty to be anxious about.

It still bugs me, however. It’s natural to feel anxious when there’s that much on your plate. There are people who have ten times that to deal with, and here I am worrying myself to death. Each person has a different plate. Some plates are only saucers and others are buffet sized. Never feel bad because you feel like your troubles are petty or insignificant. A worry is a worry, and you should never, NEVER feel bad for being worried. It’s not your fault.

There’s going to be that person who says to just get over it. Don’t listen to them. Anxiety, hell any disease albeit mental or physical, is not something to “just get over”.

                Getting over depression isn’t as simple as pretending to be happy to make

                yourself happy.

                Getting over anxiety isn’t as simple as not worrying.

                Getting over being an introvert, isn’t as simple as not being shy.

                Getting over a heart attack isn’t as simple as eating healthy.

                BUT NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE IS AS SIMPLE AS OPENING YOUR MIND AND

                KEEPING YOUR UNINFORMED OPINION TO YOURSELF.

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to worry. It’s okay that it hurts. John Green , in his book Paper Towns, wrote “…it hurt because it mattered”. And that’s more than true.

Never apologize for how you feel. A friend who tells you to get over it is not a friend. I am so incredibly blessed to have a family and group of friends who understand and support me. Remember, if you ever need anything my email is open (check the contact option on the left) and my Tumblr ask-box is open as well (click the word 'Curious' to ask. I have anonymous turned off so I have the ability to keep conversations private).

We’ll make it together.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be doing posts about mental health and the resources available to everyone.